Where You Are - Remembering

Mama having a cuppa tea at her place of residence. On the table sits a photo of her whānau and next door to that her lipstick.

Excerpt from Where You Are a pukapuka about my mother and me and dementia. Launching August 8th 2026 at Te Papa during Photobook NZ festival book fair. I will be giving a talk at 10.30am.

19th June 2007

I think there is something wrong with my mother. I think she is losing the plot or she has something wrong with her. Perhaps we should take her to the doctor to have a check-up. Maybe she has dementia or a brain tumour? I am not sure. What do we do? I will contact my sisters tomorrow and see what we can do. This is not me trying to fix things, I accept what is, but if there is something wrong, then something needs to be done.

19th June 2026

I was trying to fix things. And I felt I was failing at it miserably. The weight I speak about that I know my mother was carrying. I wanted to carry that for her. But it was an impossible wish. One that would never happen. When you’re a child of someone with dementia, you can feel helpless and hopeless. You just want to take it all away. And I’ve realised, it was all about me, not wanting to see my mother this way, not wanting this for her, not believing that this was happening. But it was.

And being the curious person that I am, I did all the research, had all the ideas, I mean with all my healing I’ve done over the years, surely I can help my mother? And in my reflection I realised I was trying to carry that weight for her, but I also realised, I was already carrying that weight since a child. And that intergenerational trauma was already activated. And it was never my fault, just like it was never her fault or my Kuia’s fault or any of my whānau before them.

Time and hindsight often offer insight and healing. And when you say to others the intergenerational trauma runs deep. It runs deep and wide. And when I think of the lives of my parents living post colonisation, post land wars, post world war one and living through world war two, post a lot of things, I am not surprised. But, I’ve also realised that for me, I’ve needed to face up to my own healing, to stop the continuation of the foundation that was laid back then for me and for them and for all our future generations to come. This book is for them.

To see more information about the book visit here.